"Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"I am relatively i。ntelligent, obedient and loyal a。s a puppy."
"My c。ompensation should be at least equal to my age."
"Reason。 f。or Leaving: It had to do wit。h the IRS, FBI and SEC."
"Fired bec。ause I fought for lower pay."
"Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 65" .
"Please disregard the enclosed resume-it is terribly out of date."
"Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the w。orld is near."
"Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word。 paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately."
"Here are my qualifications for yo。u to overlook."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Work Hi。story: Performe。d brain wave tests,1879-1981."
"After receivi。ng advice from several different angels, I have decided to
pursue a new line of work."
"As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments."
"Suspected to graduate earlynce analyzing investments。."
"Suspected to graduate early next year."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Pro。ve。n ability to track down and correc。t er。ors."
"Accomplishments: Oversig。ht of en。tire department."
"Am a perfec。tionist and r。arely if if ever forget details."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."
"Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (Translation: Short-orde。r cook.)
"But wa。it...theres more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"My fortune cookie said, Your next interview will result in a job-and I like your company in particular."
"Title: Another resume from the Profiles in Excellence series."
"Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr.Fix-it."
"Trustworthy reference。s。 available upon request-if I give them a few b。ucks.。"
"Lets meet so you can ooh and ahh over my experience."